


Regrets

by nic73



Category: The Mentalist
Genre: Angst, Friendship, Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-25
Updated: 2014-02-09
Packaged: 2018-01-09 23:48:49
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 10,876
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1152278
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/nic73/pseuds/nic73
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>This is for entry into the Paint it Red Monthly Challenge.</p><p>Jane gets some news that forces Jane to deal with something he's ignored until it's too late. Luckily Lisbon is there to help him through. *Final chapter posted.*</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

Jane jumps up from the couch as he spies Lisbon enter the room.

"Lisbon! Finally! One more minute and I would have gone without you."

"No you wouldn't Jane, not when a free lunch is on offer."

"I'm famished woman, I thought I was in danger of swooning."

"Swooning! I see you're reading your Jane Austin collection again."

Jane smiles.

"I just like to..."

"Jane."

Jane and Lisbon both turn at the interruption by Agent Ficsher.

"This came for you."

Agent Ficsher hands Jane a telegram.

Lisbon smirks,

"I feel like I'm in a time warp, swooning and now a telegram. Who sends them any more?"

Jane's staring at the envelope in his hand and answers quietly.

"Someone with bad news."

Jane's demeanor wipes the smile off of Lisbon's face as concern for her friend takes over.

"Are you expecting some bad news?"

Jane shakes his head.

"No, not really, until this."

"Are you going to open it? It could be nothing."

Jane doesn't reply and continues to stare at the envelope.

"Jane?"

There's a new interruption, Abbot.

"Everyone's up, we have a case, There's been kidnapping, the wife of a federal judge. Let's go!"

Jane comes out of his stupor.

"Yes, let's go. We can't keep the kidnappers waiting."

He puts the telegram in his inside pocket.

He strides off after Abbot and Lisbon hurries to catch up with him.

"You should open it Jane, it could be important."

"I'm sure whoever sent it thinks it's important, but there's nothing urgent in my life, certainly nothing more urgent than the kidnapping of a judges wife."

"It could be about Pete."

"They wouldn't send a telegram."

They are at the cars and Lisbon follows him into the back seat.

"Then who do you think it is?"

Jane looks at her for a moment and gives a sigh.

"Someone I don't want to know about."

Jane turns towards the window and closes his eyes. Lisbon knows it's the end of the conversation. She settles back into her seat determined not to worry about him. After a few minutes of silence, Jane suddenly speaks.

"You still owe me lunch, and I'm still hungry."

"I'll have Agent Ficsher stop at the next Mexican take out, can't have you swooning all over the place."

"Good."

Once they arrived the Judge's home, things have busy. Abbot failed to mention that she was also the mother of two young children, ages seven and five, who were in the car at the time of the kidnapping. Unsurprisingly they're traumatized but, it's important, as the only witnesses, that they be interviewed. It's a delicate and time-consuming activity and so far no one's been able to get anything out of them. As soon as Jane hears about the two children, he slips away to find them.

The seven-year old, is a boy called Michael, and Jane finds him sat on his Mother's bed, with his hands clasped in his lap and his head bowed. Jane can see he's filled with guilt at not being able to save his Mother. His father has, no doubt filled his head with the idea of

"When I'm away you're the man of the house."

Jane puts his hands in his jacket pockets and starts looking around the room, stopping to take a good look at the photos on top of the dresser. He turns around, and as expected, finds the boy watching him.

"Hi, my name's Patrick Jane and I'm guessing you're Michael."

The boy nods and returns to staring at his hands. Jane points to one of the photos.

"Is this you and your mom?"

Michael looks up again and nods. Jane takes the photo off the dresser and moves towards the bed and sits down beside the boy.

"This is a nice photo, I can see why she chose to have this one on display."

Michael shrugs but after a few moments he looks across at the photo. Jane holds it out towards him.

"You obviously have a strong connection with your mom and I can see she feels the same way. The two of you are buddies, you share the same sense of humour, you both love to do silly things. I'm betting the two of you have run through the sprinklers with all your clothes on."

Jane leans closer to him and whispers conspiratorially:

"And it wasn't even a really hot day."

Michael looks up at him, surprise on his face.

"Whose idea was it?"

"Mom's"

Jane's nodding his head as if he's not surprised.

"Wow that's a great mom."

Jane sees tears form in the young boy's eyes. Michael feels them too and quickly turns back to staring at his hands, blinking furiously.

"I'm not a detective, the FBI employ me as a consultant because I'm very good at solving crimes. Just, like, with this photo, I was able to determine that you and your mom do silly things together, if you tell me everything that you remember about what happened today, no matter how small, I will be able to help you get your mom back. I'm not going to lie to you, I think your mom's in real trouble but if we act quickly we can save her, but I need to know everything. Will you help?"

It's the early hours of the morning when they return to headquarters.

"That was a great job today Jane."

"All part of the service."

"I mean it Jane, I don't know how you do what you do, but you saved that woman's life today."

Jane shrugs.

"It was obvious the judge was having an affair and the most likely suspect for wanting rid of his wife. To keep the kidnapping story believable, he would have to keep her alive for at least one proof of life. We were lucky the boy remembered the distinctive scar above the kidnappers eye, which was also visible on the body guard standing in the background of the couple's wedding photo."

"Good night Jane."

As Agent Fischer leaves Jane sits down on his couch. In the silence the envelope suddenly weighs heavy in his pocket. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath and takes it out.

Lisbon watches through the glass doors as Jane stares at the envelope, turning it in his hands. He leans back and opens it up.

Although Jane's been expecting it, the words still send a jolt through his body, as if someone punched him in the stomach.

"Are you all right Jane?"

He looks up at Lisbon's concerned face.

"The woman, who is my mom, is dead."

Lisbon's dumbfounded.

"I'm sorry Jane. You've never mentioned your Mother before. I just presumed…"

Lisbon stops herself when she realizes what she's about to say. Jane completed it for her.

"...Presumed she was dead. No she left me when I was seven and I haven't seen her since."

There are so many questions Lisbon wants to ask but knows from experience Jane will only speak if he wants to.

"What are you going to do?"

"Nothing."

"Are you sure Jane, she's your Mother."

"A Mother doesn't abandon her child, discard them, throw them away."

"Do you know why?"

"No."

"She never tried to get in touch with you?"

"No. This is the first I've heard from her since she left."

Jane screws the telegram in to a ball, as he's about to throw it in the trash Lisbon places her hand on his arm, stopping him.

"Don't do anything rash Jane, sleep on it. You might change your mind in the morning. I hope you do. You should go, you may find some answers.

Jane shrugs but with some satisfaction on Lisbon's part, Jane unravels the telegram and folds it up, putting it in the inside pocket of his jacket. Lisbon doesn't like the idea of leaving Jane alone.

"Jane, why don't we go out for a drink some place?"

"Now? It's very late. what about your beauty sleep?"

"Are you saying I need it?"

Jane holds his hand out in defence.

"Whoa, I'm not touching that one."

Lisbon playfully scowls at him."

"Good! Now how about that drink?"

Jane looks to the ceiling.

"Okay Lisbon, if you insist, one for the road."

He begins to mutter as he follows in Lisbon's wake.

"Though I'm not going anywhere, and especially to my Mother's funeral. I'm staying right here. You're not going to change my mind."

Jane takes Lisbon bag off her and puts it into the trunk of his car.

"Are sure you want to take your car?"

"Certain Lisbon, what other car would I take?"

"One that runs."

"No sense of adventure, that's your trouble. It's life on the edge, not knowing if you'll actually make it or not."

"I'm a cop, of course I have a sense of adventure."

"The let us live Lisbon, climb in."

After a discussion over a couple of drinks and the rest of the night sleeping on Lisbon's couch, Jane announced that he would go to his Mother's funeral. So here they were, two days later, setting off for Seymore. Jane's services were requested by another team and so they haven't had chance to talk again, in fact they haven't even seen each other. Lisbon received a text last night, from Jane, informing her that they now had three days off and he would be at her place at five in the morning. He was to meet with the solicitor, who'd sent the telegram, at noon.

"You're Mom really lived in Texas?"

"A coincidence heh, that I end up living in the same state after all these years."

"Did you know she was here?"

Jane shrugs.

"Have you been keeping tabs on her?"

"It would seem that we both have."

"What makes you say that?"

"The telegram arrived the day of her death. The lawyer must have already known where to find me. My arrival in Texas didn't exactly cause a fanfare. Texans know nothing about Red John or anything else that happened in California."

"How do you feel about that?"

"She never got in touch."

"I wonder how you get in touch with a son you left when he was seven?"

"When they need you, a Mother gets in touch."

Lisbon's watching the traffic as they make their way out of Austin, and she turns to look at Jane, in reaction to the coldness in his reply. His thumb is playing with his wedding ring.

"Perhaps she didn't know?"

Jane looks over at Lisbon, his eyes reflecting the sorrow of his recollections.

"She was in California at the time, she knew."

As Jane turns back to the road, he plants a smile on his face.

"I spy with my little eye, something beginning with..."

Lisbon rolls her eyes and plays along.

"Jane I hate this game."

"Come on Lisbon we have five hours to fill."

It's almost eleven when they arrive at the hotel that Jane booked them in. It's been a long drive, that Jane saw fit to fill with silly road games, and informing her of the history of Texas. She vows to find his book stash and throw it away. Why can't he just read novels like anyone else. Thankfully she fell asleep for the last hour. Left to his own devices, Jane hasn't been able to distract himself from the memories that, have, increasingly flooded his mind, since receiving the news of his Mother's death. Memories of bedtime stories, conversations over cookies and milk. His overriding memory of his Mother is a day, in San Diego Zoo. She'd surprised him, by waking him up early and announcing

"he need's to be up and dressed as they were going for a car ride."

Jane adored his Mother and did anything she asked without question. He'd been literally bouncing in his seat when he became certain of their destination, his mom had joined in his laughter and excitement. They'd had a wonderful day, looking at all the animals. His mom listening attentively as he explained all he knew about them. They'd eaten burgers, corn dogs and ice cream, they'd laughed, at the antics of the seals, got soaked by Shamu, as Jane insisted they sat at the front. Gazed at the penguins for a long time, his mom's favourites. It had been eight wonderful hours, just him and his mom. It was the last day Jane had been truly happy until he met Angela, for two days later she was gone.


	2. Chapter 2

They find a place to park the car and the appointment is with the man himself, Jackson Gordon. Jane's leg's shaking as they sit in the reception area of Gordon and Associates. Lisbon looks over at him with concern.

"Are you all right Jane?"

He forces his leg to stop and plants a smile on his face.

"Yea I'm all right, just a little nervous."

Lisbon decides that maybe a little teasing will help.

"You, the Great Patrick Jane, nervous?"

Jane takes the bait.

"Ohhh, the Great Patrick Jane, I like that, I may have to put it on my business cards."

"You with business cards, that I would like to see."

"When they say the Great Patrick Jane, how can I resist?"

They're interrupted by the young woman at the reception desk, who, despite just putting down the phone had, obviously, overheard their conversation as she couldn't prevent a small smile teasing her lips.

"Mr. Gordon can see you now."

Lisbon see's Jane's own smile tighten, the tension visible in his body. She watches him take a deep breath and then hold out his arm to let her pass.

"Ladies first, Lisbon."

She wants to reassure him but everything sounds too trite and hollow. She can't promise it'll be all right, because chances are, he's will hear some difficult things and, although she truly believes that it's for the best that he finds out the truth, she suspects that it will be a painful journey. She settles on the only truth she knows.

"I'm here for you Jane."

She feels the gentle touch of his arm on her back as he falls into step beside her, and his equally gentle voice in her ear.

"I know, and I'm grateful."

A cheery looking man in his 70's greets them as they're shown into his office. He's still sporting some of his original colour among his grey hair. His blue eyes sparkle and surrounded by wrinkles that testify of his good humour. He's dressed in a brown pants, a cream shirt with brown lines crossing the fabric. It's finished off with a teal golfing jumper. He give the impression more of a friendly Grandfather, than a high class lawyer. But Jane did his homework before calling him, and knows that Gordon and Associates may not be a large firm, but it has many important clients. Representing many government officials, it has powerful influence not only in the town but the county also. Word has it, that you don't mess with Jackson Gordon. This is all confirmed to Jane as he looks him in the eye and sees a man who, underneath the good humour, is shrewd and has a cruel streak that he's not afraid to show, be it sugar-coated with sparkling eyes and a pat on the back. He takes an immediate dislike to the man.

"Mr. Jane it's an honour to finally meet you."

Jane gives a depreciating smile.

"That's what everyone says."

Jackson Gordon chuckles, but then sobers up.

"It's a shame that it's in such sad circumstances."

"I can put your mind at rest there. These are not sad circumstances. I lost any feelings for my Mother long ago."

Jackson Gordon studies Jane for a long time. Jane resists the overwhelming urge to squirm in his seat, not prepared to give the man the satisfaction. Instead he returns with a nonchalant, patient look.

"Your mother would be happy to hear that, but I doubt that it's the complete truth."

"I can't help the way you want to think. So why did you want to see me Mr. Gordon?"

"Please call me Jack, everyone does."

Jane rubs his hands down his legs and mutters under his breath.

"I'm sure they do."

He's certain now that this man is a showman and is nothing like the persona he's attempting to get them to believe. Lisbon recognises the signs of Jane's irritability and looks over at him in concern. He feels her eyes on him and turns and gives her a quick smile. Lisbon is not reassured. Jane turns his attention back to the lawyer.

"So 'Jack', why am I here?"

"I was under instructions to contact you at the time of your mother's death. She has left you some property..."

"I don't need or want anything from her."

Jackson nods his head and opening up the file in front of him, he takes out an envelope.

"I also have a letter, that I am to give to you on her death. You may change your mind once you've read it."

Lisbon's taken by surprise when Jane stands up abruptly.

"I'm not interested in any property, or any letter from my Mother."

"Then why did you come Mr. Jane and I never said the letter was from your Mother."

For once Jane's surprised.

"Then who?"

"It's all explained in the letter."

Jane reluctantly takes the letter from the lawyer.

"Come back after you've read it."

"I doubt that. When is the funeral."

"It's private ceremony tomorrow at noon."

Lisbon gasps in surprise.

"That's soon?"

"Arrangements have been in place for a while. Good day Mr. Jane and Ms Lisbon."

As they walk out the building, Lisbon gives a glance back.

"That was weird."

"This time Lisbon, I feel your instincts are not failing you. It's weird and mysterious."

"Are you going to read the letter."

"I would like to say no, but my interest's piqued and I know I will have to have it satisfied."

They go back to the hotel. Jane unpacks his few things, hanging up his clothes and putting his toiletries in the bathroom. When there is nothing left to distract him he picks up the letter off the desk. He stops as he's about to open it, realising, he doesn't want to read it alone. He sends Lisbon a text, asking her to come to his room. Five minutes later there is a knock on the door and he lets her in.

Jane has the envelope in his hand and is running his fingers along the edges.

"I..I...I wondered if you would stay while I read this."

"Sure."

Jane sits on the edge of the bed, while Lisbon takes the only chair. Jane steels himself and rips open the envelope. He pulls out two sheets of white bonded paper, he can feel it's quality under his fingertips. He sniffs it. It has a musty smell, telling him it was written a long time ago. The letter's hand written, with blue ink in a sweeping writing style. The person who wrote is of a person of power, used to having his/her own way. He recognises immediately that it isn't his Mother's handwriting. He straightens out the letter and begins to read. Lisbon sees him visibly recoil.

"What is it Jane?"

Jane looks at Lisbon, his eyes dark with emotion. He begins to read out loud.

Mr. Jane, since you are reading this letter it must mean that your Mother and the whore, that is my daughter, is finally dead. 

__Lisbon interrupts him._ _

__"Jane the letter's written by your Grandmother or Grandfather?"_ _

__Jane's eyes quickly go to the bottom of the page but finds no signature._ _

__"It doesn't say. There's no name at all."_ _

__Jane returns to the letter._ _

___Don't be under the impression that I am writing you this letter out of love or a desire to put things right. Your Mother disgraced her family by marrying that carnival clown, and she disrespected me. No-one disrespects me and gets away with it. The day she ran away and turned her back on the me, was the day she became a traitor and my enemy and she knew she would pay dearly for it. Unfortunately she didn't understand how cruel I can be and the price she would have to pay, until it was too late._ __

___She thought she could outwit me. Keeping her boyfriend a secret from everyone. When she disappeared from university, no-one knew of his existence, and she didn't leave until months after the carnival had left town, hoping to discourage any associations. And it worked for a while, by the time I tracked her down, they were married and she was pregnant with you. She was obviously very happy in her new life, among the lowlife of society. Living in a trailer rather than the mansions that were her childhood. I gave her the world and she threw it back in my face, as if it meant nothing. An ungrateful whore who needed to pay for such insolence and I would make her sorry for her entire life.._ _ _

___I kept tabs on her, knew of your birth, my first grandchild, who brought added shame. My genes forever soiled with uncouth behaviour and petty thieves. Her crimes were great and her punishment needed to reflect that. So I bided my time, allowed her to cement her bonds with her blonde brat, so that, when payment was exacted it would devastate her and you._ __

___Seven, I decided, was the perfect time. I could see you two were close, it was a testament of your lack of breeding that you adored her. I broke the news personally, there was no way I was going to miss her reaction. I still remember the look on her face when the blindfold was removed and she saw me standing in front of her. It felt so good to hit her, feel her skin under my hand, see blood pour from the cut on her lip, watching her stagger under the blows. To have an outlet for the anger, churning within for so long. As I held her against the wall, her feet off the ground, her face in line with mine, my hands around her throat, she pleaded for mercy, that she had a child who needed her, my grandchild. I spat in her face, told her that I didn't have a grandchild, told her that she had disgraced me and disrespected me and that payment was due. _ _ _________

____Jane stops reading, He lowers the paper. He closes his eyes against the horror of the words. His skills have been useful, his outward tells are strong, his hands are solid, his breathing's regular, even his leg isn't shaking. But he remembers her with a cut lip, deep bruises on her face, holding herself as she walks slowly around the trailer, claiming a fall down some stairs while visiting the local town. Jane knew she was lying, he's always been able to tell. He thought it was one of the transient workers, helping out while the carnival was in town, or maybe his Dad. He thought perhaps that's why she left. The idea re-enforced as he endured his father's anger when he was drunk. He took each hit willingly, believing he was in place of his mom. But in the dark of the night he would wonder why she didn't take him with her, how she could leave him to endure alone, how could a Mother sacrifice her own child._ _ __

____That was why they went to the zoo. she was feeling better and she wanted to celebrate and he was such a good helper, that she wanted to celebrate with him._ _ _ _

____Lisbon's fighting shock and disbelief as she listens to Jane read the letter. Hatred colours each word. She moves to Jane's side and lays a hand on his arm, bringing him back to the present._ _ _ _

____"Are you all right?"_ _ _ _

____He gives a little cough, as if clearing his throat and sits up straight._ _ _ _

____"I'm fine. It's been too long for it to hurt me."_ _ _ _

____Lisbon doesn't believe a word of it. Jane begins to read again._ _ _ _

_____"When she regained consciousness I told her, exactly how it was going to be from now on. She was to leave you and her husband. She was to never see you again, never try to contact you or have anyone else contact you. She was subject now to my every whim, do what I told her t.o do, live where I told her to live. She was to do nothing to incite my anger. Her life was now mine, there was no escape, she should make no attempt to put herself out of her misery and even after my death the terms stay in place. You wonder how I expected to her compliance to these demands, it was simple. If she failed in any aspect, I would kill you._ _ _ __


	3. Chapter 3

Lisbon's listening in growing horror. The cruelty of it all is beyond her imagination. She sees that Jane is struggling, she lays her hand on his arm.

"Jane, perhaps you should stop."

Jane shakes his head.

"Take a break then."

Jane's reply is soft and low.

"I need to finish, let me just get through it."

"Okay."

Jane's stomach is churning and his chest feel tight. His eyes go back to the paper but the words seem to melt together. He blinks to clear his vision and then he's hit with nausea. He jumps up from the bed and rushes to the bathroom, he barely makes it in time. Lisbon grabs some tissues from the dispenser on the table and hands them to Jane as he sits on the floor, leaning against the wall of the bathroom. He wipes his mouth and his brow. She'd also picked up a glass and she fills it with water and gives that to Jane, he nods his thanks and takes some sips. She crouches down in front of him.

"Are you all right?"

"Yea, it helped, - dodgy hot dog.

Lisbon can see Jane's feeling embarrassed at his loss of control, and humours him.

"Must have been. Do you feel ready to get up?"

Jane nods his head. Lisbon holds out her hand and he takes it and gets up on to his feet. Through it all, he's never let go of the letter. He moves back to the bed and starts again from where he left off.

'Your Mother did not disappoint, she pleaded with me, told me to kill her, anything else but make her leave her little boy. He was innocent she said, he shouldn't pay the price for her sins. His Mother leaving would scar him for life. She wept and pleaded as if she thought I cared. Finally, in exhaustion she asked for one day, one day to spend with you, one last memory to comfort her, and that you could look back on, and remember that she loved you. At first I refused, but then I realised how delicious an idea it was. You spend a wonderful day basking in your Mother's love and then she's gone, never to be heard from again, no word of warning, no words of goodbye. How could a boy ever recover, love would be covered by confusion, burned by hope and then turn into ashes of hate. Of course I gave my permission.

That was the day you received your personal bodyguard, not for protection, but to watch that your Mother kept to the agreement. He made sure that only fun was had at the Zoo, that your Mother didn't say or do anything to warn you. Your shining face told me that she behaved. I kept her up to date on your life, with short letters of notification, made sure she lived close to you. You never realised that a sniper was trained on you throughout your wedding, and your mother cried alone in her apartment. When Charlotte was born, she knitted baby clothes constantly, but never sent them. Then came Red John, how could a Mother stay away. She came so close. She was at the Malibu turn off but drove past. I was almost disappointed, you were so distraught I wouldn't kill you straight away, as death was a relief to you. Let you recover some, let her think I was showing compassion, and then the bullet would strike.

What does your Mother look like in your head, Mr. Jane? A beautiful, glowing woman, with shining eyes and a ready smile? She was so beautiful wasn't she. Or when you found her, did you see her, perhaps have photos? Did you see the grey, frail, woman we turned her into. Eyes dulled with heartache and self hatred, that reflected a heart that wanted only death. I hope you did. Did you notice I said 'we'?. There were never any conditions on your part Mr Jane. You were free to search her out, to make contact any time. You could have saved her from her agony, she lived in hope, a hope that wore her down as you stayed away. I told her that you found her, that you were keeping tabs. I went to inform her in person. The joy on her face took me back to when she was young. It gave her new life, she scrubbed her apartment until it was sparkling. Bought new bed covers for the spare bed I always made sure she had, even though the others had never been slept in. She was afraid to leave the house in case you stopped by. But, of course, you never did. I told her that you never would, that she had a son who's selfish, who's governed by revenge. Who's heart is cold to compassion and forgiveness. That you were more like me than she could ever admit, but she waited. I told her how you'd killed and ran away, a single tear trickled down her cheek.

This letter was dictated as her father died, but the legacy stayed in place, the enforcement of which was laid at my door. She was very weak when I moved her to Austin. She tried to rally when she heard you were back and were now working for the FBI, all charges dropped. She pleaded that I contact you before it was too late. I told her that I would, she wrote a letter of explanation. I lied, I burnt the letter. She died waiting.

Silence descended on the room. Lisbon didn't know what to say. The cruelty of it all. Jane sits still, he's trying not to think, trying not to feel. He wishes he'd never opened the envelope, that he was still ignorant of the truth, but the words were in his brain now, never to be forgotten. He slowly crumples up the paper in his hand, squeezing it tight.  
Jane throws the paper on the floor and walks towards the door. As he opens it he turns to Lisbon, as if he's suddenly remembers she's there.

"I'm sorry, I need to go, I-I-I need to be alone for a while."

Lisbon nods and the door closes behind him. She sits and wonders if it's wise to let him go, he looks so desolate. She spies the crumpled ball and picks it up. She carefully straightens it out and reads again. Anger boils within her, what makes someone think they have to right to play with someone's life like that, and especially the life of a young boy, a boy who's completely blameless and then many years later mess with him again. She grabs her jacket that she's laid on the bed and walks out the room, towards the lift. Outside, as she gets into the taxi, she gives the address of the solicitor to the driver.

Jane wanders aimlessly, he has no idea what turns he's made, his mind is constantly replaying the words of the letter, 'you were under no such restrictions, you could have gotten in touch any time'. But he hadn't, now it's too late. She's gone. She died thinking he didn't love her, or care for her. Why did he have to be so stubborn, so vindictive, he could have saved her. What he wants to do is scream, shake the thoughts out of his head, but he knows that's impossible. Suddenly he's brought back to reality, he realizes he's bumped in to an old lady.

"I'm so sorry."

"You should watch where you're going honey."

"I will."

He looks around him and he surmises he's still near downtown. The buildings are shabbier, the paint work's peeling and the roofs are flat. Everything is one story high. He's looking at an old fashioned barbers, with a pawn shop and a herbalist on either side. He shakes his head at the strange grouping of business. Looking beyond the pawn shop he's sees one much more interesting and selling just what he needs at this moment to block out his thoughts. He retraces his steps and enters the bar. It's dark inside as he knew it would be, he orders a bottle of scotch from the bartender, when asked what kind, he just shrugs. The bartender pours a measure into a glass, Jane indicates for more, after the bartender is finished he picks up the glass and the bottle and heads towards the booth at the back of the room, without making eye contact with the few customers he passes on his way. He slides into the booth, drinks down the scotch and pours another. He follows this pattern four more times before the scotch glass stays on the table as Jane leans back and closes his eyes, feeling nothing but the burn the drink leaves behind on its way to his stomach.

He opens his eyes at the sound of someone sliding in to the seat opposite him. A woman is smiling at him. She's 35, with long black hair and smokey eyes that are looking at him with an interest that he hasn't seen for a while. His eyes travel down her slim body, noting a thin blouse, that has the top two buttons undone, the end of which just meets the top of hipsters held up by a belt, fastened with a big buckle denoting her love of the longhorn state. Her hands are resting on the table.

He slowly blinks and her smile widens.

"Hi, I haven't seen you around here before?"

"It's my first time."

"Well I hope it's not your last."

"Just visiting."

"That's a shame."

A hand reaches across and strokes his fingers clasping his glass.

"Then we should make the most of this moment."

Jane pours some more scotch in to his glass, his new companion picks it up and takes a sip, she holds out the glass as a toast, he gently taps it with the bottle and takes a swallow.

"I'm not what you're looking for, I'm here to drown my sorrows, nothing more and I wouldn't be good for you, believe me, I suggest you try someone else."

Suddenly Jane finds himself with scotch thrown in his face, and hears the woman shout something about,

"Who do you think I am."

Jane is temporarily blinded as the scotch catches him in his eyes and grabs a napkin out of a dispenser. When he can see he finds his booth crowded with two burly men sitting in place of the woman and two more standing, trapping him there.

"You don't insult our sister."

Jane looks at each one in turn, he can see no family resemblance and with that information comes a realisation that the booze has slowed down his perceptions and that he's in a little trouble and it could be just what he needs.

Lisbon is trying to hail a cab, feeling good at the way her visit with the lawyer went, when her phone rings, the number is unknown.

"Hi Lisbon."

"Teresa Lisbon?"

"Yes, who is this?"

"Hi, my name is Janine Thomas, I'm a nurse at the Seymore General Hospital, A&E department. Do you know Mr. Patrick Jane?"

Lisbon closes her eyes, she shouldn't have let him go.

"Yes I do, is he all right?

She tries to quell the panic forming in her stomach."

"He's received a heavy beating, and has a broken wrist and some bruised ribs and lacerations on his face. As he has no home address here, in Seymore, we don't feel good releasing him from the hospital and he gave us your number, as someone who will take responsibility for him."

"I'll be right there."

Lisbon is successful hailing down a cab, the hospital is not too far away and she's soon entering A&E.

After giving her name and Jane's at reception she's led towards a cubicle, as she pulls back the curtain, the smell of alcohol hits her senses. Jane's eyes are closed, one is beginning to swell and bruise, there are cuts on his cheeks and his lips. His right arm's in a sling, she moves towards the bed.

"Jane?"

He opens his eyes and looks at her through tired eyes, his gives a lazy smile.

"Hi Lisbon, I ran in to some trouble, but I'm okay. Will you get me out of here?"


	4. Chapter 4

"You don't look very good, wouldn't you be better staying here."

"I'm fine, I'll feel better after some sleep and you know how hard it is to sleep in hospitals."

"What were you doing Jane?"

"I-I-I-I wasn't doing anything.."

He holds up his hand:

"I promise. I was just minding my own business."

"You were getting drunk."

Sadness creeps in to Jane's eyes.

"Can you blame me Lisbon. That was quite a story."

"It was, but drink isn't the answer for dealing with it."

"I don't want to deal with it, I want to forget it, and alcohol is perfect for that. It's been proven time and time again."

"It's only a temporary fix and a dangerous road to start on."

Jane knows the worry in Lisbon's eyes goes deep and founded on experience. He tries to reassure her.

"I-I-I-I knew it was just temporary. I wasn't planning on going down that road."

"Nobody ever intentional starts out on that road, it's always just for that one time."

"I know, I know, it was stupid."

He leans into the pillow, closes his eyes and makes the best pathetic face he can muster. Helped, he knows, by his bruises and cuts.

"Are you finished telling off an injured man?"

Lisbon bursts his bubble.

"That face is not working on me Jane, I've only just begun. You brought me along, so you didn't have to deal with your Mother's death, and the aftermath, alone. Just because the aftermath is huge, doesn't mean you can toss me aside. I'm here to help and help is what I'm going to do."

Jane nods his head.

"Now let's find out what it takes to get you out of here and then we'll talk."

"They said I can leave."

"Yes, but I'm sure there'll be some medication and instructions and maybe something more done to that wrist."

An hour later they finally leave the hospital. Jane's clutching two different types of painkillers, a mild form to take until the alcohol's left his system and then he can take stronger ones that are in the other container. Also an appointment to return to the hospital first thing in the morning to have a cast put on, giving the swelling a chance to go down. Jane falls asleep in the taxi and Lisbon has to wake him when they arrive back at the hotel. She gently helps him to his room, he's suffering as the pain from his ribs is getting through his alcohol fog.

"You can sleep for a little while but, first, you need to make a phone call to stop your Mother's funeral tomorrow."

Jane looks at her confused.

"Remember, Jackson Gordon said that her funeral was arranged long time ago, and that it was tomorrow?"

Jane nods.

"I got to thinking that the only way that could happen if is her Father, or whoever is in charge now, had the arrangements already in place. Surely you don't want those people burying your Mother. You're her next of kin, so you can stop it."

"Who would I call."

"While you were busy getting yourself beat up, I went to visit Gordon and made him give me the phone number."

"How did you do that?"

"I'm an FBI agent Jane, it open doors."

"Well well Lisbon, I'm proud of you.

Lisbon digs into her jeans pocket and produces a slip of paper. She holds it out to Jane.

Jane stands there looking at it.

"C'mon Jane, you'll regret it, if you don't."

"Will I?"

"Yes trust me you will!"

Lisbon takes a hold of Jane's good hand and places the paper in it. He automatically wraps his fingers around it.

"Make the phone call and I'll get you some water and you need to take a couple of tablets, I can see your ribs are hurting."

"I'm fine."

"Sure you are."

Lisbon starts to pat him down and feel his phone in the inside pocket of his jacket. She reaches inside and takes it out.

"Make the phone call Jane."

"I don't want to make it."

"You really want those people, who tore your mother from you, and then made her life a misery, tormenting her, not allowing her a moment of happiness..."

"I could have brought her happiness. I could have saved her from it all. But I was too stubborn to forgive her and reach out to her. I waited and waited for her to make the first move...and she couldn't...she couldn't - wouldn't risk my life."

Jane sways on his feet, Lisbon holds him to steady him, and leads him towards the bed.

"You can't blame yourself, you didn't know. You had a lot to forgive her for, too much. Sit on the edge of the bed."

He lowers himself gingerly.

"I need to rest."

"Make the phone call Jane, give yourself the choice. You don't have to attend, if you don't want to, but don't let them bury her. It's something you can do."

Jane slumps and Lisbon knows she's won. He holds his hand out the paper with the number on it.

"Can you ring the number for me?"

Lisbon punches in the number, checks it's ringing and then hands the phone to Jane. She leaves him and goes in to the bathroom to get him some water.

"A friend will bring it by and I'll let you know tomorrow what I want to do."

He hangs up the phone and looks at Lisbon whose pouring some pills in to her hand from one of his medicine bottles.

"They want proof of who I am. Would you take my birth certificate? I told him that I wasn't in a position to be able to do it myself."

"You have it with you? You have one?"

Jane smiles, which turns into a grimace, his face is hurting now.

" A surprise I know. I thought it might be needed."

Lisbon sees his distress. She holds out the water and pills.

"Here, take these now. Lay down and rest. Where is it?"

Jane points towards his overnight bag. He dutifully takes the water and pills, pain having driven any objections from him. He carefully shuffles himself further on the bed and slowly lies down.

Lisbon checks the top pocket of the overnight case but it's not inside as she'd hoped. Jane reads her expression.

" I've taken out my boxer shorts, there's only those lovely socks you bought me in there., and you've handled them before, so nothing to worry about."

Lisbon lifts up the lid of the bag and snatches out the birth certificate. She looks up, expecting to see Jane with a smile on his face, but his eyes are closed and pain's etched in his face. She bites back her retort. She picks up her handbag off the table, opening it up, she puts in the certificate and quietly opens the door. She turns around as a normal reflex, to check everything was okay and switched off the light before closing the door behind her.

"Don't be long and thank you."

Follows her out the door.  
Jane's aware of pain as he regains consciousness and let's out a groan.

"Hello sleepy head."

He gingerly opens one eye, mindful of the headache pounding behind it, and is thankful to find the room dimly lit. He opens the other eye and slowly pulls himself to a sitting position, a maneuver made difficult with the use of only one arm. More pain assaults his body as his ribs complain at the movement. Lisbon rushes to his side.

"Let me help you."

She adjusts the pillows behind him to give him support.

"Thank you Lisbon. How long have I been asleep?"

"Three hours. Are you feeling any better?"

"More awake and a little more sober."

"Good to hear it."

"I guess."

Lisbon looks sharply at him.

"Do you want my lecture again."

Jane holds a hand up as if to ward her off.

"No, No. Once is enough for me to get the message. Drink won't solve my problems, but cause more."

"Do you want to tell me, what happened?"

Lisbon points to his injuries.

"Ahhhh No. I think my body speaks for itself."

"You can't remember can you?"

Jane shrugs.

"Not all of it."

"It seems it was a robbery. The police called and asking for a statement from you. I said we'd go by tomorrow."

"I would kill for some tea."

"I'll order some and would you like something to eat?"

Jane realises he's feeling quite hungry.

"A sandwich will do."

Lisbon calls room service and Jane struggles off the bed, into the bathroom. He spies the pain tablets and after completing his business he takes them with him in to the room.

"Which ones are the milder tablets?"

Lisbon points to the bottle resting in his right hand. He puts down the other bottle and takes it from his hand. he realises he can't open it and offers it to Lisbon.

"Are you sure you don't want the others Jane?"

"No, they'll make me sleepy. He pops the tablets, Lisbon gives him, into his mouth and swallows. Lisbon pulls a face.

"I don't know how people do that. I need a ton of water to get tablets down."

There's a knock at the door signally that room service has arrived. Lisbon answers the door. She takes the tray and tips the waiter. She kicks the door closed and places the tray on to the table.

"Jane, you take the chair."

"That's all right, I'll sit on the edge of the bed."

"And how do you propose to hold your tea-cup and your sandwich, because I'm not feeding you."

Jane smiles

"Good point."

They eat in silence and Lisbon's amazed, once more, of the healing properties of tea, at least for Jane. His colour's returning to his face. A welcome change as his pale skin was a disturbing contrast to his bruises. Jane puts down his cup and looks at her.

"Thanks Lisbon... for coming. I'm glad you're here."

"You're welcome Jane. What are you going to do?"

Jane shakes his head.

"I don't know. I failed her. Nothing I do now can make up for that."

"You didn't fail her Jane, you didn't know. You were acting on the information you had. You reacted as any child would."

"Lots of abandoned children get in touch with their long-lost parent."

" And a lot turn out badly. You had a lot going on in your life Jane, enough heartache to cope with. You can't blame yourself for not wanting to risk more."

Jane 's leg starts to shake and he looks around the room with agitation.

"Let's get out of here."

"And go where? You need to rest."

"Just a walk - We don't have to be long. Anyway the fresh air will do me good."

Jane is already out of his chair and opening the door.

"Okay, but only a short one."

The temperature is mild, the streets are still bustling. Jane strides out with as much purpose as his battered body can manage. He seems to know where he's going. A couple of turns later and there an entrance to a park ahead of them.

"Much better don't you think."

"How do you know about this place?"

"My mind is a finely tuned instrument and, even when I'm distracted, it knows what to file away into my memory palace."

"You walked by it after storming out of the hotel earlier?"

"I wouldn't call it storming."

"Escaping then, running away."

"Touche."

The park is quite beautiful, flowers in full bloom, the scent is intoxicating. Jane stands still and takes a deep breath, until his ribs protest.

"I guess that wasn't a good idea."

"No, look there's a bench over there, let's sit down until you recover a little."

Jane nods and hobbles over, holding his ribs.

"You are an idiot Jane."

Jane glances over at Lisbon.

"Thanks, all tea and no sympathy."

"I hate to see you beat yourself up literally when you've nothing to blame yourself more."

"I should've known she wouldn't just leave me. I knew she loved me."

"Seven year olds don't think that way Jane. No one could guess the truth. It was conjured up by a sick, twisted mind."

"My beautiful, kind Mother lived a life of misery and I had the key to change it."

"I don't think that's true."

"The letter said there were no restrictions on me."

"Put your guilt aside for a moment and think Jane. That man went to great lengths to keep your Mother in misery, do you think he would allow her to be happy? allowed you to contact her? I'm sure that had you tried, he would have killed either you or your Mother. Now that your mother can't be tormented any more, he wants the suffering to continue, in you. He saw how hard you took the deaths of Angela and Charlotte, and the guilt you nursed for years until you got your revenge. He wants it to start again, this time for your Mother. But this time there is no revenge, the man is dead. You'll be plagued by guilt for ever. Is that what you want? Is that what your Mother would want for you?"

Jane stares at Lisbon for a long time. He then turns away and shakes his head. Lisbon reaches out to him.

"You know I'm right, I can tell."

"You can't tell."

"I can, right here, right now. You know I'm right, deep down."

Jane stands up.

"Let's go back."


	5. Chapter 5

Lisbon can tell that Jane is in a lot of pain by the time they return to the hotel room. She insists he takes the stronger tablets. Jane doesn't resist as his wrist is throbbing so much he would pay someone to chop it off. Once he's settled in to bed Lisbon say good night and goes to her own room. Jane is soon asleep, but wakes up in the middle of the night. His phone announces the time as 2 am. He gets up to use the bathroom and then is unable to get back to sleep. He can't stop his thoughts from wandering to his Mother and the letter. It pains him to know the life his Mother was forced to lead, because she loved him. When he thinks of the things he's done in his life, he knows that the sacrifice wasn't worth it. But his own experience as a father tells him that his Mother would never be convinced of such a thing.

His thoughts turn to the man who did this to her. Her own father - his grandfather. Anger swells with him at the things he did and what he was willing to do. He feels frustrated that the man is beyond his reach. He remembers that someone took over the punishment and he focuses his anger on him. The lawyer will know who he is. It could even be him. He will get the truth out of him. He turns sharply and cries out, a stark reminder that he's not in any condition to get the truth out of anyone. Plus deep inside he knows he's done with vigilante justice. He's given up enough of his life to that insidious disease.

He closes his eyes and takes deep breaths to steady his heart rate and tries to block out the pain. He knows he should take more tablets, but he didn't put them on the bedside table and they seem so far away. So he's relying on his body feed back skills, which are failing him as his mother keeps getting in the way. His picture of her is the same as when he was seven. She's very beautiful, her hair long and soft. It tickles his face, when she gives him a kiss. Her scent is orange blossom, you have to stand up close to smell it and he breathes it in deeply. She tells him that she wears it just for him. Her smile lights up her whole face, her eyes dance as she teases him. She loves to tease and do practical jokes. His father doesn't see the fun in them and so it's become their thing. It's never anything mean, just water to wake him up, when he's slow out of bed, his socks rolled up mismatched, he puts one of those 'snakes' that jump out at you, in her make-up drawer. When she didn't come home, his childhood mind. hoped it was another practical joke, just more elaborate. Maybe she was organizing something for his birthday, he knew it would be big and funny. He'd sat on the step of their trailer all that day, waiting for her appearance, until his drunken father had called him in. He hadn't obeyed immediately, not wanting to give up on his vigil. His father had thrown open the door, grabbed him by the collar of his shirt, dragged him inside the trailer, and all the way to his bed. When Jane stood his ground and protested, his father had hit him. Immediately he had pulled him in to a hug and apologised. He said:

'He was sorry, that it was just the drink. She didn't come home for his birthday, she was never coming back. It was just the two of them from now on, and they had to stick together.'

Unfortunately that wasn't the only time he drank and it wasn't the only time he took out his hurt frustrations on his son.

He blinks furiously to hold back the emotions and searches his memory palace for a happier memory, as she doesn't deserve being remembered that way any more. She never deserved it, it's what kept him from making the first move. He'd hired a private detective, named Bettan after they'd taken Charlotte to San Diego Zoo and he dreamt of her that night. He's transported back to when the detective arrived at his home. Bettan had called to say he'd found her. He invited him to his home that afternoon as he's had a cancellation. He sat behind his desk and couldn't keep his eyes from the folder sitting on Bettan's lap as he gave him a run down on his investigation. He instructed him to find out everything he could about what she'd been doing since she left. Bettan told him that he's surprised how easy it was to find her. She was living under her maiden name, it felt like a punch to his stomach to hear that she wasn't a Jane any more, that they didn't share names. Bettan had found no evidence of a man in her life, she didn't have a job, she lived in a regular home and kept herself to herself. Her neighbours knew nothing about her. One had tried to start a conversation when she saw her in the front yard, gardening, but his mother had brushed her off. The only thing they could tell him is that she looked sad.

Jane's ashamed that it was his one comfort - that she wasn't happy. She was still alive, she didn't leave him for someone else, she didn't leave him because she'd felt trapped and had something she needed to do, she'd just left. She lived not very far away, he kept the file in his drawer for a few months undecided about what he wanted to do. Then Red John happened and she never came and he burnt it.

The next morning Lisbon woke up to a text telling her to pack her things they were going back to Austin. She texted back asking if he was sure. He said yes, he's all done here and he would like to leave as soon as possible. She reminded him about the hospital appointment and the police statement. There's a few minutes silence and then she receives a reply saying that he guesses that she won't let him miss the hospital appointment but he will call the police and write his statement at Austin and email it to them. She agreed to the compromise. With Jane's wrist newly encased in plaster. Lisbon drove home. Jane slept most of the way. But he thanked her for coming and being a big help. He would have gone nuts without her.

They were thrown in to a case as soon as they returned. It has been horrible and dangerous. Something that seemed to escape Jane's attention and they were now surrounding a house where he's being held by a maniac, who likes to do horrible things to his victims,( who have a certain notoriety which is why the FBI were called in) before he kills them. They storm the house and find it empty, but then an awful sound comes from beneath their feet.

"Look for a trap door as there were no basement entrances outside"

They are pushing away rugs in every room but there's no trapdoor. The noise continues putting urgency into all their movements. Lisbon grabs Cho's arm.

"Help me get this up?"

She's pointing to the carpet in the living room."

"It won't be under there boss, too hard to get to."

Lisbon points to the corner by the tv.

"Look there are another set of indentations in the carpet. The tv is usually set further back into the corner."

Cho rushes forward and moves the tv.

"Got it!"

All the agents gather inside the room. Cho has found a handle just under the edge of the carpet and close up it's easy to see that the carpet has been cut.

Lisbon issues orders.

"We have to get the suspect under control fast before he can kill Jane."

The screams suggest that he's already working on him and will be close to him. Every one takes out their guns and Lisbon nods to Cho to open the door. She takes a deep breath to steady the panic she feels, wondering what she will find. Cho yanks it open and Lisbon descends the stairs as quickly as possible. Luckily they're not too steep, half way down she can see in to the room. She has an obscured view of Jane strapped to a table, the suspect is looking up at her in surprise with a piece of Jane's cast in his hands and a small electric saw with blood on it. Lisbon fights to hold on to her professionalism.

"Step away from the table and put your hands up."

The suspect gives a slow smile and flips a switch on the saw and turns towards Jane. Lisbon pulls the trigger and he falls to the ground.

"Cho check the suspect."

Lisbon rushes to Jane's side his eyes are following her and there's a smile on his face.

"Are you all right?"

"I'm fine Lisbon, you got here just in time, although very noisily. I had to scream as loud as I could to cover the noise you were making, while he was cutting in to my cast . I was very embarrassed it's just a scratch."

He holds up his arm to show where the saw had cut into his arm.

he must think he kidnapped a big wimp."

"Thought"

Cho corrects.

"He's dead."

Lisbon's relief displays itself as anger.

"What were you thinking of, putting yourself in the hands of a Waco!"

She lowers her voice but the anger is still there.

"Is this to do with your mother, are you punishing yourself, because you're not to blame."

"It was a lovely night so I was out for a walk and he took me from behind. I'm not blaming myself any more Lisbon, I know you were right, we would never have been allowed to be together."

He nods towards a corner of the room. Lisbon turns and see photos of Jane pinned to a noticeboard

" I was always his next victim. Apparently I'm notorious."

Jane speaks with some pride. Lisbon has helped him swing his legs over the side of the table and he's in a sitting position. He's holding his arm close to his chest.

"Let's get out of here and have the paramedics look at you, you will have to go to the hospital to get it recast. Are you all right walking out?"

"Show the way Lisbon, I'll be glad to get out of here."

He winces as he jumps down from the table, Lisbon looks at him with concern.

"I'm fine Lisbon, it's broken remember."

The following weekend finds Jane back in Sacramento, at the familiar cemetary. After much thought and talking things over with Lisbon, he decided to bury his Mother with Charlotte. Although he doesn't believe in life after death, it seems fitting to lay her to rest with the family she was never allowed to be a part of. At his request Lisbon is nowhere to be seen. There was just him and the cemetary people present at the short service and Jane is now left alone to say his goodbyes.

He stands gazing at the casket and all the missed years and opportunities overwhelm him. He feels cheated and sorrow at his loss, that happened long before she died, and tears water his eyes and slowly fall on to his cheeks. He brushes them away with his good hand.

"How touching."

Jane spins around to find an middle-aged man holding a gun on him.

"Well that's not very friendly Uncle Edmond."

"You know who I am?"

"Of course, I just had to follow my Mother's maiden name. Although I hadn't seen it for a long time and I had burnt the file, I have a very good memory. I just searched the internet for any Alessi's that would be capable of despicable acts and your family were there at the top of the pile."

"You shouldn't have interfered with my father's final plans for your Mother. You showed a lack of respect.

"I know, a big no, no in your family. But your time is over, your family's been squashed by bigger enterprises now, you don't hold the same fear any more. Your respect is gone, and from what I can see, it's all your fault. I'm sure you're a big disappointment to your father. I wonder what he would do to you. I say it's been nice knowing you, but I would have been happy to go a whole life time without meeting you, especially here and especially now."

Edmond puts on a mocking apologetic face.

"I'm sorry did I spoil your mother's funeral?"

"Actually no. This casket is empty, my Mother was buried over there yesterday"

Jane points deeper into the cemetary.

Edmondo eyes follow to where he's pointing and suddenly he's face down on the ground, the gun fallen out of his hand and his arms are yanked behind him. He can hear a women's voice rehearsing the Miranda rights to him as his wrists are encased in handcuffs.

"Well done Lisbon."

Jane is rubbing his hands with a gleeful smile on his face.

"A well executed plan, if I say so myself."

He gets up close to Edmond.

"Perhaps you should have done research on me. I always get my man, or woman. Many people have tried to kill me and failed. Just a few days ago I was in the hands of a serial killer and walked away without a scratch."

Lisbon interjects.

"No, you had a scratch."

"Just a small one."

Jane is holding two fingers close together to indicate how small. Edmonds eyes follow the movement and Jane punches him in the nose."

The cop drags Edmond away. Lisbon and Jane fall into step behind them.

"Did that make you feel better."

Jane is shaking his hand.

"I think I may have broken my hand."

Lisbon rolls her eyes.

"Great two arms in plaster, How are you going to get dressed in a morning?"

"You offering?"


End file.
